13/8/18
I'm back with the blogs, mainly because my psychologist told me to start writing again, and also because I just want to stop thinking about all the things that are making me anxious.
Let me list them out, and then flesh my dry-heaving anxiety out and hopefully things will be just a tad less heart beaty in my end.
1. Midsemssss
2. David is just a mess
3. Possibly just this? Maybe med interviews but that's a small compartment I don't want to flesh out on because I don't need that right now.
4. Social media is addictive, gives me the opoids I want in my brain
5. I just feel really tired.
1. Midsemester tests.
I don't think I handle assessment very well. I mean, I don't think any uni student handles assessment well, but I feel like I want to cry over them. And for some reason, this semester, the units don't sing to me as much as the other units did. I just feel like everything I'm doing is so vague. And I either don't fully understand the lecturer, and their full gist, or they are just being very vague themselves. And there are going to be a midsemester test every single week for three weeks. And I'm slightly panicking. Normally I don't panic at these things, because it's just a midsemester test. But I haven't given in any work in the past few weeks, and this is the first assessment, and it feels like I should be studying all the topics when I've been studying for all the topics right after the lectures anyway. I just feel like everything now is dooming on me. And I will never get a break from it all. I really hope I get a break.
1b. Tutoring.
I just realised this is a huge huge huge worry of mine. I'm tutoring english for three kids now and I'm really worried I'm not doing a good job. I love tutoring them, and I've been seeing lots of improvement, especially in a kid who was really not writing that well half a year ago. But it's hard to fully see productive improvement when they are already going quite well. And the other kids, it's hard for me to figure out where to focus. I feel like I'm not adequate enough to tutor them.
2. Boyfriend *drama alert* *joking its really quite sad*
I love my boyfriend, but it's quite difficult for me currently to empathise with him. I think we're both going through a bit of trouble at the moment with how we are reacting to things, and we have acknowledged that we have behaviours we do to each other which are incredibly toxic - which make it difficult for us to have crisp communication. I mean, it definitely affects me emotionally, which clearly does not make me feel good. And this drives this issue of, is this what it's going to be like after the honeymoon stage?
I saw this couple when I was working at my parents shop, and they were in their 40s, they had a high school son and the wife wanted me to tutor him. However, I really don't have time, and clearly I'm already under a lot of stress *see blog post right now*. However, the husband came in, and the wife came in after, giving him this huge bear hug and it seemed like they had just meet and were so in love. And I want that. That is the dream.
One of my friends Weiann said that she wanted a relationship like Nick and Rachel from crazy rich asians, as a boy who loves a girl like that, is all that is beautiful in life (she didn't say it like that but implied). I mean, she definitely is emotionally right. I want to be loved and cherished, but I mean, I want that when I'm 40 too. My psychologist said this weird thing about 'I'm sure you'll be able to find someone just as lovely as your current boyfriend if you did decide to end things, but it is still a choice because there has been energy and investment there' and it's like this interesting 'get out of jail for free and go past GO to collect your 200 dollars' but at the same time, my relationship isn't a jail, and GO is really just singletown which was I guess, jail? or not jail? Unsure, should come back to this.
Regardless, David has been a little shit lately. I mean, it's not making me feel anxiety per say, but it's just really pushing me down, and I wish it wasn't. Fingers crossed it will be fine. It just feels like there is less love and care sometimes.
3. No.
4. Social media.
Instagram can shove itself in it's arse. I feel like I follow all these peoples great lives on instastory, and like it's all nice to see, but WHY AM I CHECKING THIS AT 2AM. Like, I will go to sleep and then at 2am for my nice 2am pee, I will take my phone to the toilet and look at some instastory. I need to stop being on youtube too. It sucks out so much time.
NO MORE.
I hate it even more because David uses it when he is bored, and I am also guilty of this. But we do it when we hang out with each other. I already don't have much time with uni starting again, but I don't know why we just waste our time.
THIS IS TIME TO STOP. LIVE THE 24 HOURS.
also i fucking hate the scroll.
5. Tired.
This is really the main one. I think I'm sleeping a lot, and by a lot, I don't mean the healthy 8 hours. It's starting to get to 10 now, and I don't even want to get out of bed. It's either SAD (Seasonal affective disorder) or I'm just depressed. And it's not even good quality sleep. I have nightmares and I clearly go to pee in the middle of the night because I'm in need of my instastory watch time.
I hate this. Please go away.
Yida
I'm back with the blogs, mainly because my psychologist told me to start writing again, and also because I just want to stop thinking about all the things that are making me anxious.
Let me list them out, and then flesh my dry-heaving anxiety out and hopefully things will be just a tad less heart beaty in my end.
1. Midsemssss
2. David is just a mess
3. Possibly just this? Maybe med interviews but that's a small compartment I don't want to flesh out on because I don't need that right now.
4. Social media is addictive, gives me the opoids I want in my brain
5. I just feel really tired.
1. Midsemester tests.
I don't think I handle assessment very well. I mean, I don't think any uni student handles assessment well, but I feel like I want to cry over them. And for some reason, this semester, the units don't sing to me as much as the other units did. I just feel like everything I'm doing is so vague. And I either don't fully understand the lecturer, and their full gist, or they are just being very vague themselves. And there are going to be a midsemester test every single week for three weeks. And I'm slightly panicking. Normally I don't panic at these things, because it's just a midsemester test. But I haven't given in any work in the past few weeks, and this is the first assessment, and it feels like I should be studying all the topics when I've been studying for all the topics right after the lectures anyway. I just feel like everything now is dooming on me. And I will never get a break from it all. I really hope I get a break.
1b. Tutoring.
I just realised this is a huge huge huge worry of mine. I'm tutoring english for three kids now and I'm really worried I'm not doing a good job. I love tutoring them, and I've been seeing lots of improvement, especially in a kid who was really not writing that well half a year ago. But it's hard to fully see productive improvement when they are already going quite well. And the other kids, it's hard for me to figure out where to focus. I feel like I'm not adequate enough to tutor them.
2. Boyfriend *drama alert* *joking its really quite sad*
I love my boyfriend, but it's quite difficult for me currently to empathise with him. I think we're both going through a bit of trouble at the moment with how we are reacting to things, and we have acknowledged that we have behaviours we do to each other which are incredibly toxic - which make it difficult for us to have crisp communication. I mean, it definitely affects me emotionally, which clearly does not make me feel good. And this drives this issue of, is this what it's going to be like after the honeymoon stage?
I saw this couple when I was working at my parents shop, and they were in their 40s, they had a high school son and the wife wanted me to tutor him. However, I really don't have time, and clearly I'm already under a lot of stress *see blog post right now*. However, the husband came in, and the wife came in after, giving him this huge bear hug and it seemed like they had just meet and were so in love. And I want that. That is the dream.
One of my friends Weiann said that she wanted a relationship like Nick and Rachel from crazy rich asians, as a boy who loves a girl like that, is all that is beautiful in life (she didn't say it like that but implied). I mean, she definitely is emotionally right. I want to be loved and cherished, but I mean, I want that when I'm 40 too. My psychologist said this weird thing about 'I'm sure you'll be able to find someone just as lovely as your current boyfriend if you did decide to end things, but it is still a choice because there has been energy and investment there' and it's like this interesting 'get out of jail for free and go past GO to collect your 200 dollars' but at the same time, my relationship isn't a jail, and GO is really just singletown which was I guess, jail? or not jail? Unsure, should come back to this.
Regardless, David has been a little shit lately. I mean, it's not making me feel anxiety per say, but it's just really pushing me down, and I wish it wasn't. Fingers crossed it will be fine. It just feels like there is less love and care sometimes.
3. No.
4. Social media.
Instagram can shove itself in it's arse. I feel like I follow all these peoples great lives on instastory, and like it's all nice to see, but WHY AM I CHECKING THIS AT 2AM. Like, I will go to sleep and then at 2am for my nice 2am pee, I will take my phone to the toilet and look at some instastory. I need to stop being on youtube too. It sucks out so much time.
NO MORE.
I hate it even more because David uses it when he is bored, and I am also guilty of this. But we do it when we hang out with each other. I already don't have much time with uni starting again, but I don't know why we just waste our time.
THIS IS TIME TO STOP. LIVE THE 24 HOURS.
also i fucking hate the scroll.
5. Tired.
This is really the main one. I think I'm sleeping a lot, and by a lot, I don't mean the healthy 8 hours. It's starting to get to 10 now, and I don't even want to get out of bed. It's either SAD (Seasonal affective disorder) or I'm just depressed. And it's not even good quality sleep. I have nightmares and I clearly go to pee in the middle of the night because I'm in need of my instastory watch time.
I hate this. Please go away.
Yida
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