communication in a relationship

18.8.18

As my previous post has detailed complications that David and I have been having lately, I thought I might dedicate a small blog post to communication in a relationship. Something I've been really trying to work on in this relationship after many lessons from my previous hole. 

I think communication in a relationship is always going to be difficult. There are couples who are in their 15th year of marriage, and go to couples therapy just to truly discover that they haven't been communicating properly for years. And thus from my one year relationship, I doubt I would have learnt as much as a marriage counsellor would have, but here are some thoughts, concerns and ideas. 

No one is right.

I remember when I was first in a relationship, where I was just so amazed that someone would love me and give me head rubs that I would do anything to make them happy. And as much as I hate generalising gender norms, I think it's so common in females that they feel like their opinion doesn't matter as much, or it's more grey, and thus they are happy to just make another person happy. While men (assuming a nice heteronormative relationship) are more opinionated, and need their opinion egos to be stroked every so often. With female insecurities on making another happy, and with male insecurities on appearing right, you end up with a relationship initiating on male terms. 

Excuse my generalisation but this is just something I've experienced with my friends and relationships. And as you get more comfortable, as a female you realise that they aren't always right and you yearn for your voice to be heard. Depending on your boyfriend, you end up either stuck trying to make them happy even though you aren't happy, or you start fighting. 

I ended up in the first option in my first relationship. I loved my boyfriend but he really did not care about my opinion. And even when I offered ideas, they were shut down immediately, and I was told that I was wrong. For some cucky reason, I decided to agree that I was wrong, even though subconsciously I knew that things are not as black and white as they appear.
I was right subconsciously. Things aren't black and white, a relationship is completely based on two peoples opinions, who set the rules. And when you have all the rules being set by one person, it ends up always being their choice and the other person is always going to be wrong. So I've learnt that you have to speak up, and listen as well. Realise that no relationship is going to be based on one's choices. It's not a pick and choose adventure book, it's a write your own novel. So you have to figure out as soon as you can, what you want, and let it out and if you feel that gut feeling that you don't agree with something but your partner is assuring you about that fact, maybe sit down and question it. 

'I think you might be more comforting if you ....'

David is going through a pretty rough time right now, and is stupidly stressed. Ditto David, ditto. And most of our fights have been pretty much because we both are stressed, and don't communicate properly in the nice way we normally do. I tend to blame him, and he tends to be defensive, and I've realised, I just want him to be comforting. And he wants me to be comforting. So having a clear conversation about how you could comfort each other the way you want to be comforted is actually so much better than arguing about the topic on hand. 

Often it's not about what you are arguing about, but how you argue it. So we had a frank conversation that I just want him to tell me things are going to be ok, and that our relationship can be trusted - a way more compassionate conversation than the one that we were having before because I am getting what I want, and he is getting what he wants.