finding the right people? im not too sure

0800 - 1000 Lectures

1100 - 1300 Lectures

1300 - 1430 Lunch with clinical practice group 

1430 - 1530 Buy my nice Valentines day card and overthink too much

1600 - 1800 Study / Relax

1900 - 2100 Voluteer training

Reflecting on something I was talking about with my psych (i always realise that things I come out from that 1 hour lets me think for about a week and really process), was that I have this weird FOMO feeling, as well as not really knowing who I am. And I really struggle to practice my identity/face identity when I feel really uncomfortable, like I do in med school right now. Honestly, I'm not too sure why I set myself in some damp mud and feel all wiggly wobbly, but I do. 

So I've been really struggling to think about friendships recently, and there is a friendship group that I do want to participate in, but the problem is that it's not really solid with me in it. Like sometimes I feel like an outsider looking in and being judgement immensely. And I don't know why. Like I'm not part of this foundation and therefore I feel like just like liquefative necrosis, I could just wash away with all the neutrophils when I'm flushed with some water. 

And because of this, the anxiety is really building up. 

But i had lunch with my class group today, and I actually love them so much. They are really friendly, and we can joke around, and laugh until I start having my stomach hurt. I think the people there are just really good at finding conversations, and we aren't stuck on the elitism that I feel the other friendship group has. And I feel like I can plant my feet down. It's really weird to say that, but I just realised today that it's ok to not fit into the place which you want to fit into.
Then again, I have this deep deep troubling fear that it's not going to work out with that class group and it's just something that I'm experiencing because everything else is not going to so well, and I really am looking at normal things in a way of joy, instead of the normality of it all. 

I hope I can figure out this anxiety about socialising. 

Also I made a really great friend at volunteering today, and I felt so... myself? It's weird how I can feel like myself not in the medical school setting, and all i do is seize when I am in that setting.