Hi, I'm writing again, who knows how long this will last.
I am currently catching the train to my parents shop to grab my lunch off them and then heading to uni. But throughout this weekend, I've realised that I'm definitely reverting back to being anxious and possibly a little depressed. Mainly because I've been really struggling to breathe recently, and like I thought it might be because I have some sort of viral infection, and it's restricting all this oxygen into my brain and making me struggle to sleep but no. It's the bloody anxiety again. You'd think after my post titled tough times, things would have changed right? No.
I still really struggle with sleeping, and it's a habit now to take a melatonin and pop on a 30 minute video on YouTube while I try to find the right position for my head to lie. Honestly I think it stems from this FOMO problem I have, where I don't want to miss out on anything. Sleeping problems don't happen if I'm sleeping with someone, because it's sleeping time. But it's a huge problem most nights because I'm sleeping alone. And I swear my brain doesn't actually want me to fall asleep. I'm not too sure why. I get actually horrible nightmares some nights but nights like last night are fine, where I just have normal thoughts. So, I haven't figured out why I don't really want to fall asleep. Maybe it's the lack of control?
Another thing to note is that I'm treating my boyfriend like shit, and although it may be due to the fact that he is sick and being not as responsible as he can for being sick, some of the reason is due to my insecurity of the 'change in who I will be' in med school, and this fear that now I'm in, I have to be responsible and mature. It's funny how when I reread my previous blog post, I was anxious about med school interviews and now I'm anxious about med school. It's not really about the situation I'm in, which is slightly annoying becaus I really wish this was all acute anxiety. But yeah, definitely not treating the boyfriend well, including being angry at him for small things which really don't matter. And its really just projecting my anger somewhere which I know I won't be hated for. I can't clearly project it at my new friends at school, and I can't really talk to my old friends about it, because I feel like it would be a huge burden on them. It's weird how I used be to able to define exactly my feelings, like being fully self aware at what I'm projecting out. Unfortunately, I was either incredibly biased and blind at my own abilities or I've just lost that functionality.
On a bright note, I'm nearly at my parents shop. I did enjoy the time I spent with my mum this weekend, as we swept the ground which was filled with leaves, and we reported some plants. I think the whole gardening thing is super soothing.
Bless my family.
I am currently catching the train to my parents shop to grab my lunch off them and then heading to uni. But throughout this weekend, I've realised that I'm definitely reverting back to being anxious and possibly a little depressed. Mainly because I've been really struggling to breathe recently, and like I thought it might be because I have some sort of viral infection, and it's restricting all this oxygen into my brain and making me struggle to sleep but no. It's the bloody anxiety again. You'd think after my post titled tough times, things would have changed right? No.
I still really struggle with sleeping, and it's a habit now to take a melatonin and pop on a 30 minute video on YouTube while I try to find the right position for my head to lie. Honestly I think it stems from this FOMO problem I have, where I don't want to miss out on anything. Sleeping problems don't happen if I'm sleeping with someone, because it's sleeping time. But it's a huge problem most nights because I'm sleeping alone. And I swear my brain doesn't actually want me to fall asleep. I'm not too sure why. I get actually horrible nightmares some nights but nights like last night are fine, where I just have normal thoughts. So, I haven't figured out why I don't really want to fall asleep. Maybe it's the lack of control?
Another thing to note is that I'm treating my boyfriend like shit, and although it may be due to the fact that he is sick and being not as responsible as he can for being sick, some of the reason is due to my insecurity of the 'change in who I will be' in med school, and this fear that now I'm in, I have to be responsible and mature. It's funny how when I reread my previous blog post, I was anxious about med school interviews and now I'm anxious about med school. It's not really about the situation I'm in, which is slightly annoying becaus I really wish this was all acute anxiety. But yeah, definitely not treating the boyfriend well, including being angry at him for small things which really don't matter. And its really just projecting my anger somewhere which I know I won't be hated for. I can't clearly project it at my new friends at school, and I can't really talk to my old friends about it, because I feel like it would be a huge burden on them. It's weird how I used be to able to define exactly my feelings, like being fully self aware at what I'm projecting out. Unfortunately, I was either incredibly biased and blind at my own abilities or I've just lost that functionality.
On a bright note, I'm nearly at my parents shop. I did enjoy the time I spent with my mum this weekend, as we swept the ground which was filled with leaves, and we reported some plants. I think the whole gardening thing is super soothing.
Bless my family.
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